The New Year

Henry and I recently returned home from our winter voyage east. As much I truly enjoyed (and needed) our time with family, I'm quite relieved to be moving into the new year. I'm starting to feel settled into the new routines that the holidays lengthened the transition towards. Things are peaceful lately. Work is quickly steadying after several months of stress and frequent change. Henry seems settled, and is smack dab in the middle of an almost-painfully cute and sweet stage... one of those lovely developmentally stable windows. My time without Henry is also starting to feel more comfortable, less foreign, and even fun as I surprise myself with how much I enjoy myself.

I cook delicious food. I constantly listen to music. I find funny little projects to fill my time-- I've reorganized the living room and painted furniture... my indoor fauna is actually well tended, and my house almost alarmingly clean. I've kept "running running," as Henry would say. I think I'm going to train for another marathon, and I've already scheduled a half for February. I'm starting to have relaxed and even often spontaneous social time. Recently (after sleeping in!) I saw the new Star Wars (midday, on short notice!), took a run followed by a nap, and then had an evening out-- ALL IN ONE DAY. I'm not trying to say that my time was totally devoid of these things before, or that an abundance of self-focused time would even be necessary, but the freedom and stability feels like a relief and a chance to reset.

I'm pretty quickly approaching my 30th birthday. I don't get wrapped up in the sentimentality of many events, but this one feels significant. Things don't exactly look like I imagined and assumed they would. There is a definite sadness to the continued shedding of those layers, but I'm making my peace, finding my stride, and entering a new decade feeling strong and capable. I am happy with the woman I am at 29.999. I purchased a painting as my 30th birthday gift to myself. I came across it on the night I got confirmed in my job-- a moment that felt like a certain conclusion of my twenties. I was surprised by the connection I felt with the image, and it felt like a fitting gesture to myself.

She was painted by a twenty-six-year-old Seattle artist, who seems just undiscovered enough to be remotely affordable, and has turned me into the type that has a naked lady painting in her living room. Hello thirties.

The Holidays

I spent Thanksgiving weekend in Seattle. I had three whole days off from work-- the most downtime I've had since a somewhat strange confluence of life and work intensity began. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself for the weekend. I didn't have the energy to get to my parent's house and back, staying home didn't seem quite right, and neither did the Orcas Island retreat I'd started to plan for myself (somehow it seemed like I should be with people, not deer).

Thanksgiving Day proper was spent with my sister. It was low-key in a way that maybe only family can offer. We ate our Thanksgiving feast while watching hour 3-ish of 6-ish of the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice-- a somewhat odd (but beloved) family tradition. I'm really not the best at holidays. Usually I'm happy enough to eat a good meal for Thanksgiving, attempt to skip over Christmas, and maybe make latkes somewhere in the Hannukah range of dates. This year I'm particularly eager to just get past it all, though I somehow find myself writing from between a lit Christmas tree and a lit menorah. I'm craving the light, I guess.

In the Solstice and Festivus spirit, I want to express my deep gratitude to the good people who have been there for me... cared for me, encouraged me, reassured me, and listened to me during this season of change. I'm very lucky to have family and friends with whom I feel so loved and known. Something else has happened too though, I've experienced so much genuine support and kindness from unexpected people and in surprising places-- a good lesson for my psyche on the general goodness of people in this nutty, nutty world.

Thank you. Happy Whatever, and Happy New Year... I'm looking forward to the return of light.  

Now Spinning

Right around Henry's birthday, Matt moved out of our home for the second time in the last year. I'm not sure who reads this blog. I only give this link to people I hold (at least fairly) dear and even so I have little expectation that anyone does read, especially considering the long gaps in upkeep. This is all a really long way to say that if you are reading this, then you probably have enough context to understand the complicated and sad nature of this change in status with someone who has been much beloved and rooted in my existence.

I'm only trying to acknowledge the change, I guess. I think I've done some good work towards processing everything that has happened, but it's pretty slow work and I'm trying to honor that. My life looks much different than it did not so long ago. My parenting responsibilities have become much less constant... an interesting experience during a developmental stage that is marked by its constance. I certainly feel a loss as far as my experience as a mother goes, and I know that I'll continue to mourn that-- though my time with Henry is rich with love and joy, and my time with/to myself almost profoundly nourishing. I feel myself on the precipice of a period of independence and actualization. I'm focusing on Henry, my work, my health, my relationships, my home, and letting go of all the rest for now. I'm expecting to have a quiet winter.

I recently acquired a record player. By acquired, I mean almost singularly focused on (outside of my normal responsibilities, of course) for the better part of two weeks. I was also the lucky recipient of many of the vinyls that had been sitting in my parents' basement for the last 15+ years. I'm finding it hard to feel lonely in the company of music and records, so many of which I remember from hours and hours spent listening while lying on the floor of my parent's living room. Now, in eerily similar moments, I get the sensation that time is not linear and everything might just be a-fucking-okay.

Three

Next week my Henry Goose Honeyboy turns three whole years old (!!!). Sorry if my thoughts at this milestone are a little overwrought (and more about myself than Henry)... I've got a lot on my mind.

Henry was an early talker. I feel like we have been having meaningful conversations for so long that I can barely remember life before our daily exchanges and negotiations about topics far and wide. Lately Henry has been totally fascinated with bones and how our bodies work. His absolute favorite story comes from good-ol' (and so sexist/not of this time) Richard Scarry-- a tale we refer to as "Lowly Worm, Broken Foot," We tend to read about Dr. Lion and his X-Ray machine at least once a day. Sometimes I start to think that maybe Henry will take after his Aunt and Uncle and become Dr. Goose, but as fascinated as he is with medicine, he has been quite clear that he'd rather be a bunny or a bulldozer operator when he grows up. Any and all options are good with me.

Henry's bone interest extends to dinosaurs and humans alike. The other night our conversation about dinosaurs took an existential turn pretty damn quick and I felt just a moment away from fielding the BIG questions. ALL the big questions, and oh my sweet boy, do I know the existential crisis well. If you're bothering to read my blog, then you are probably equally aware and annoyed by this quality-- my nihilism, in an Alvy-Singer-not-doing-his-homework-because-the-universe-is-expanding type way.

It's a condition that often frustrates me about myself, yet I must also credit it with some of my better qualities and experiences. The need to find meaning has led me to my most authentic moments... in love, family, friendship-- in my work, and of course as a mother. Henry's question about dinosaurs: "Where are they? Why do we have their bones? Why are they not here?" triggered a visceral reaction in me; a deep longing to shield him from all the complex realities of human life for as long as possible, but that just isn't how this shit works now, is it?

Existentialism aside, being Henry's mom has been the single greatest privilege of my life and his affection, sweetness, curiosity, and humor has illuminated my existence in ways I never could have imagined 3 years ago. I know it's not a remarkably young age, but I never expected to become a mother at 26. There he was though, my Henry Goose...the boy who even this nihilist knows was meant to be. I'm delighted to know him, and here is a cute video of him reading a book.

Hi?

I've had the intention to revive my blog for some time now. So here I am-- writing in this space after a 2+ year hiatus. There are many things I feel like I should, might, or could write about, but I think those things will come if I just start writing… so I suppose I'll get to it. 

Henry is a school boy now, and with one month left until his third birthday, seems a little more independent each day. We are no as longer completely physically bound as we were during his first couple of years, and with this new phase of motherhood comes periodic pockets of time, with which I am free to do with myself as I please. This feels partly disconcerting… besides feeling the whiz of time, I do worry about him out there in the world-- it's a feeling I realize will be around for the long haul though, as a part of my technically-a-Jewish-mother status. However, I also know that he's out there thriving; learning, growing, playing-- and so besides the disconcertion, I find the bits of time to be a respite, and a chance to get to know myself again in a new context, and during a period of my life that often feels like a bit of a maze. 

I spent a lot of my free time this summer running. I first started running when I was a sophomore in college, which means (whether I want to admit it willingly or not) that running and I have a relationship that now spans over a decade. I think I even documented my first 2 mile jog after Henry's birth in my blog. Since then, I've steadily built up a new base. I certainly won no awards in my pre-Henry days (except that one time that I placed 1st in a 5k, only to have my glory stolen by the 2nd place finisher: an 8 year-old-girl), and the same is true for now.  I've really been covering the distances lately though, and even ran my first full marathon last weekend. Honestly, it's been a restless time in my life, and the long runs have given me concentrated time to process, and on the other side of anywhere from 10 to 26.2 miles, reengage with my life a little bit differently, or at the very least too tired to keep overthinking.

Music is an integral part of my multi-hour run routine, and over the years I've listened far and wide while running-- jam bands, reggae, electronic... but, I've found nothing keeps me moving or my interest piqued quite like rap music. As my distances upped over the last several months, so did my admiration for, and fascination with one rapper, Lil' Wayne-- affectionally referred to as  "Little," by my dear friend Heide, who I have, much to my delight, managed to hook on Wayne as well. 

I'm not sure what the target readership of my blog is, but here's a little bit about Weezy: He hails from New Orleans, and has been a signed rap artist since the tender age of 9. He's had a very public addiction to codeine cough syrup, as well as a very public incarceration. He's also an extremely prolific artist. For what was arguably his finest album, The Carter III, he recorded over 400 songs. He's released almost every track he has ever recorded (for that album and otherwise), much of it for free on the internet. 

Plenty of his music is utter crap, but for a period, when he was hungry and had something to prove, Wayne had a total mastery of the style, and an ability to make intricate and funny rhymes sound effortless. Coupled with his unashamed and unbridled weirdness, he's really an artist in a category all his own. Wayne's music is certainly not for the faint of heart, or for the easily offended, but being neither of those things I've found Wayne's confidence and intensity to be a good musical match for me and my runs over the last few months. Anyways, I hope to be back writing again before too long. Until then, here are some of my favorite Little jams:

The 10 Month Boy!

It's hard to believe, but this little Goose is a whole 10 months old-- time to start counting down to the big O-N-E! 

I must officially be a parent, because I feel like I could just sit here and type about a million things I love about Henry-- he's really just a complete joy to be around. 

These days the Honeyboy is 2'7 and pushing 22 pounds. He loves fruits, especially blueberries and melons. He can clap, wave, point and say, "Mamamama," if he wants me, or, "Baba," for Matt. In the last month or so he's become quite affectionate, and likes to give little hugs and the occasional (very sloppy) kiss. He's been crawling and pulling himself up for about 3 months now-- maybe bipedalism is just around the corner? 

He's pictured below with what is probably his favorite toy these days... a little dump truck that was a hand-me-down from his buddy Ellen. He can easily spend 10+ minutes (an eternity in almost toddler time) pushing it around the rug. We're hoping his enthusiasm for wheeled things will soon translate to biking-- we just bought a bike trailer! Who knows, perhaps my blog name will once again become semi-applicable? 

Moving On

Last week we closed on our house deal. While I mostly just felt relieved that everything worked out so nicely, a small part of me certainly felt sad. Not sad about moving-- that was definitely the right choice for our family, but sad that our well-intentioned and perhaps naïvely optimistic plan for a small farm didn't go as intended. 

As I've mentioned before we thought the house would be much easier to fix up then it was, and as the situation spiraled out of control we realized that we were not in a space financially or time-wise to transform the property and house into what we'd envisioned. 

I do hope that we will try again someday. Who knows when that will be... perhaps a long way in our future, but I am quite certain I'll eventually make a fine crazy goat lady and Matt a fine orchardist/part-time bike mechanic. We've all got to have goals, eh? 

Anyways, as we close this brief, somewhat traumatic, but very educational chapter in our life I want to be sure to thank everyone who supported us in ways big and small while we floundered through the last year and a half-- especially my parents who never say, "I told you so." That's real love, no?  

Blueberry Picking (In Pictures)

Changes Afoot

This last weekend we moved all our worldly possessions from one house to another. Our house deal is almost wrapped up, and we are happily making a return to renting. Quite unfortunately though, our search for a new home pretty much came down to being homeless or keeping Duncan, and we had to opt to not be homeless. 

Fortunately, my parents (being both dog lovers and a constant source of support) have taken him in, and hope to find him a loving home. While I know that he is in a familiar place and probably very much enjoying being part of a dog pack, I feel pretty terrible. Taking in an animal is certainly a commitment, and one I feel like we've reneged. 

Though he is certainly a quirky fellow, I've grown to love and appreciate Duncan. He came to us needing a home, and I'd like to think we were able to give him a very nice one as long as we could. I'll miss his companionship and love for Henry, and I'll always be grateful for the part he played in my physical recovery from Henry's arrival. 

Anyways, I apologize for the melodramatic post-- I hope to be back sometime soon with some happier thoughts and happenings. 

Summer Vacation

Sunday night we returned home from our big summer vacation-- a roughly 1300 mile road trip to Montana and back. Henry, Matt, and Duncan were all first time pilgrims to the treasure state, and it was wonderful to get to share such a lovely place with my favorite guys.

Henry enjoyed visiting with his aunt and uncle, grandparents, and great grandmas. Honestly, it was just great to have some backup for the week... and incidentally, the little guy has discovered cake, cookies, ice cream, and french fries-- there's no going back now.

I'd like to think we'll squeeze in another decent trip or two this summer, but right now the next several weeks seem likely to be hectic-- Matt started a new job (!!!) on Monday, and we've accepted an offer on our house that has us moving by the middle of August. I'm a little too superstitious to do much besides mention that at this point, but all in good time.

For now, some Montana pictures... plus more on Matt's blog!

An Update

Our family currently has some big changes in the works. It feels a little uncomfortable, as things that are not quite certain and wrought with anticipation tend to-- but the direction things are headed is very positive and hopefully things will firm up soon and we can be on our merry way.

Other than the shifting tides (and being vague), things have been pretty good in these parts. I signed myself up for a half marathon even though I've only been running about two miles at a time, we are planning to avoid being shellshocked over the fourth by fleeing into Canada, and the little guy is keeping us on our toes with his speed crawling. It has also been hotter than heck, which I'm trying not to complain too much about because I realize I wished for warmth all winter... and you know the heat is still bearable if you are willing to heat the oven to 450 for sweet potato fries.

Anyways, here are a few pictures of Henry & friends to accompany the random musings...

Family Camp

This weekend we enjoyed our first camping trip as a threesome! We had a wedding to attend on Saturday at one of Camano Island's lovely state park, so we seized the opportunity to get away and spend a couple nights camping with friends. 

To be honest I've been struggling with a bit of anxiety lately-- though our schedule allows for a good amount of flexibility, I find deviating from it to be stressful. It's all me though... Henry seems to go with the flow, so I am working on calming myself down and adapting as well as he does. It's easier said than done. Anxiety is certainly a fickle beast. Like I said though, I'm working on it, and each successful new experience seems to help, and the weekend was most certainly a success. The proof is in the pictures (though I wish they were pudding at this moment). 

Couldn't have done it without borrowing a huge tent!

Just hanging out.

One amazing madrona. 

Sun! The beach!

Duncan loved it.

Henry is still the cutest... even when covered in a film of snot and dirt.

This Guy

I took this picture of Henry last night because he just looked so cute and grown up sitting in the lawn chair. Looking at the picture now I realize that he also looked very tired. Naps have recently become a bit of a battle and occasionally they just don't happen. Honestly I think it's harder on me than it is on him... he never seems too much worse for the wear. The recent nap battling is one of the reasons my blog has been so quiet, but I realized that I never did my (super official) six month update, so I wanted to pop in and share a few things about this guy, if for nothing else but my own memory.  

10  7 Henry Things at 6.75 Months (Revised due to a situation that involves Henry pulling dog hair off Duncan and trying to eat it.)

1. He crawls! It's more of an army crawl still, but if he wants to get somewhere (e.g. to something shiny) he certainly will. 

2. He's become much more independent recently, and I can plop him in his (never slept in) crib to play with toys for 10-15 minutes here and there while I furiously try to accomplish something like sweeping all the baby puffs out of every nook and cranny. 

3. He has this super sweet beaming smile he does where he squishes his head into his shoulders and gives you a huge grin. It's probably the cutest thing ever. 

4. I'm predicting that his first word will be "Duncan." He finds the dude SO interesting and thankfully Duncan has been a total gentlemen about all the yanking. 

5. He's been playing with a lot of new sounds lately. Working on them phonemes!

6. We introduced solid foods around five months when he started ripping food out of our hands (like mother, like son). He wouldn't let us feed him baby food, so he's been feeding himself from the get-go. Recently, he's gotten quite a bit better at actually getting the food into his mouth and it is so fun to see him enjoy foods like avocado and toast and cucumbers. 

7. He laughs harder with (at?!) Matt than with anyone else. 

8. .... 

Checking In

Hello, loyal readers! I suppose it has been a little while (my apologies, as usual)... let me quickly fill you in:

1. Recently, we took this show on the road. Matt had a work conference in the Bavarian Village (beautiful Leavenworth, WA), so Henry, Duncan and I tagged along. It was a nice change of scenery, and a good pit stop en route to visit Grandma and Grandpa. While Matt was busy at the conference I stayed busy watching cable (only while the little guy snoozed) and eating frozen yogurt and giant pretzels. Don't worry, it was only temporary... as far as I know, I'm not really becoming one of those women.

2. Before we left we began one of our final house projects: replacing the shower surround. It's one of those long, silly house stories we seem to have a whole slough of these days, but (long, silly story short) we still don't have a shower. We've both managed to find hot showers here and there, but there has also been plenty of hosing down in the backyard. For the most part I haven't minded, but the other night I did have a dream that in the midst of a zombie apocalypse I opted to take shower in what was obviously a zombie infested abandoned resort. Analyze that. 

3. This week Henry caught a nasty little bug. He had a couple days of sniffles back in January, but this is his first time with the real deal, complete with an achy little ear, a cough, and a fever. It has been so sad, but seemingly we're on the upswing and hopefully he'll be himself again soon. On a very, very selfish note, the timing has been most unfortunate because I've been unable to take him to the gym daycare all week, and thus unable to access my main shower source. The upside? He does seem to get a kick out of the "hosing off," situation. Good for him.

4. Yesterday we celebrated a birthday and a half-- Matt turned 28 and Henry turned .5! One of the (the only?) nice thing about it taking days for Henry to be born is that when he did finally arrive, it happened to be Matt's half birthday! I love those guys, and plan to express my appreciation and adoration tomorrow through fried dough and sugar. Recipe to come. 

Anyways, nap-time is over, so I must go. Here are a few pictures from our Bavarian travels...

Dutch Oven Bread

So, I haven't been baking at all lately. The cold hard (as opposed to the warm, gooey) truth is that I gained about 75 pounds while pregnant. It's not exactly a number I'm proud of, but it just kind of is what it is. Honestly, I ate pretty well and exercised through the whole thing, so I'm not even sure how it exactly happened, but it did... so oh fucking well.

The good news is twofold:

1. At roughly five months post-partum I am down about 40 pounds and getting plenty of regular exercise.

2. Thanks to my so-called, "maternal fat stores," I've been able to continue sustaining Henry, and that is something I am glad for.

Anyways, all that said, I got this le beautiful Le Creuset dutch oven for last winter's Festivus celebration, and wanted to try the apparent internet phenomenon of a crusty bread baked in a dutch oven.

Only, most of the recipes I found called for something called "instant yeast," (which I refuse to acknowledge based on name alone), and required a 12 hour rise. I was definitely not operating with 12 hours of forethought on this project. So, thanks to some Mormon mommy blogs (it's a whole thing, let me tell you), I was able to figure out a recipe that would only take an afternoon. 

The recipe calls for 2 tablespoons of yeast, which pretty much just gives the dough an insanely fast rise time-- about 20 minutes. I think you could definitely reduce the yeast significantly, if you didn't mind waiting a little longer for your dough. Also, the recipe requires you to pre-heat the dutch oven, and the first time I made this recipe I skipped that step... I ended up with a delicious, cake-y bread, which is great, but I was going for crust.

Anyways, without further ado... 

Adapted from around the Mormon Blogosphere

Dutch Oven Bread

4-5 Cups All Purpose or Bread Flour

2 T Yeast

2 T Sugar

1 t Salt

2 Cups Warm Water 

1. Combine water, yeast, sugar, and salt and allow yeast to begin to bubble.

2. Add 3.5 cups of flour. Knead in additional flour as needed in 1/2 cup increments. Knead dough until it is smooth and comes together in a ball (just a few minutes). 

3. Cover dough ball and allow to rise in a warm place for at least 20 minutes.

4. Preheat oven with dutch oven to 400 degrees. 

5. Coat the bottom of the dutch oven with flour, transfer dough ball and coat the top with flour.

6. If you are brave you can attempt professional looking slits on the top of the dough... I tried and failed.

7. Bake for 30 minutes covered. 

8. Remove lid and bake for an additional 10 minutes, or until brown and crunchy looking. 

9. Transfer to cutting board and enjoy with butter and/or jam!

A Picture Post

Drying Henry's "bum pants," in the sun. 

Duncan the duck dog.

Trying to eat more vegetables. 

Our plum tree(s) in bloom.

Walk time napping.

Five Months Old!

Today the Honeyboy is five months old! 

The last several weeks have been transformative. He is quickly becoming a little boy with his own personality, opinions, and sense of humor. These days he does lots of giggling, rolling over, playing, sitting up (though not for long), drooling, and "talking." 

As of last week he has two bottom teeth, and because of his high level of interest in food (like mother like son), we've even started giving him some solid foods! At his four month pediatrician visit he was 16 pounds and in the 75th-80th percentile for weight, height, and head size. He's big, but well proportioned. His eyes are still quite blue, and I'm beginning to believe it's possible that he got his Papa's pretty eyes.

He's just the cutest and sweetest little guy.

Family Hike

Late Saturday afternoon we took our inaugural hike as a threesome  foursome with Henry in his Osprey hiking backpack! The pack was a very nice gift from my Grandma Alice, and we've been looking forward to using it since it arrived. Osprey says most babies are ready to hike at six months, but our boy is big, and seemed quite ready this weekend.

We planned to take a short hike as a test run, but missed a turn being jerks and gawking at a strange display of woodland cell phone usage. So, because we kept thinking that our turn must be, "around next bend" we ended up hiking about 7-8 miles.

It worked out well though, because aside from the short snooze he took right after we started walking, Henry spent the whole hike happily looking around and making funny noises.

When we finally realized that we'd missed our turn long ago, we took a side trail to a close-by viewpoint as a turn around. The view was pretty underwhelming, but we took the opportunity to try and take a family picture. Our best attempt was pretty terrible... 

However, we did better taking turns... 

I have a feeling the baby backpack will be well loved by all of us. It was great to be able to take a hike with all my guys on such a beautiful spring day...

Also, two days later, I am still sore.  

Just had to add that.

March

I apologize for the long silence in this space. I guess March kind of got away from me (I'll quickly fill you in-- it was rainy), but it's winding down and it certainly feels like spring is coming.

Somehow I doubt I'm known for being any sort of great optimist. There are really only so many times you can be compared to Daria without taking a hint, but I do mean it when I say I am really looking forward to the new season. Don't get me wrong-- the last several months have been uniquely sweet, but I am very much enjoying the shift we are currently experiencing.

This last weekend we took a one-night family trip to the big city. After anticipating every worst-case scenario for our little traveler everything went off without a hitch. Honestly, it was a big relief, and hopefully a good omen for adventures to come.

I've learned a lot about change and transition in the last several months. My thoughts are a bit difficult to sum up without sounding like an asshole, but I will say that I hope I'll be better at going with the flow in the future-- change is a process, and not a seamless one.

I know there are certainly many challenges to come (and many we are currently sorting out), but recently I feel like we're reaching the other side of our big transition. We are beginning to establish a nice rhythm as a family of three.

I've have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to. Maybe there is something to this optimism thing?

Eh.

Dear 3-5 Readers,

Fear not-- I have not re-abandoned my blog. I've just been lacking in both inspiration and free hands. I hope to return with something more interesting to say soon. Until then, here are some cute, recentish pictures of Henry.